Monday, February 4, 2008

And now, about that hemorrhoid cream...

I can't tell you how many people have asked me about the hemorrhoid cream. Scroll down a few posts if you have no clue what I'm talking about. So now, for your reading pleasure, I shall address the issue.

Last week, I was pretty miserable. Cary was out of town Sunday-Thursday, and I was SICK...sick with CHILDREN. Fortunately, the children were healthy or else I just may have found a cave to crawl into. (And PRAISE GOD they're still healthy despite snitching drinks from my straws and bites from my germ infested plates.) All that to say, I was QUITE desperate for some nostril relief. My nose was so stopped up, I couldn't get an ounce of oxygen to squeeze through my swollen nasal passages. I was trying desperately to stay away from nose spray because it always makes me more sick in the long run. I do have a netty pot (sp?) but I hate that thing. It gives me ear infections. (And it doesn't work for bad colds!) So I was wracking my brain to think of something that makes swelling go down, thinking if the swelling in my sinus cavity would just go down, I could breathe. I took advil (an anti-inflammatory), but it did nothing. Well, it did help my massive headache caused from children running wild and free while Daddy was out of town, but I still couldn't breathe. I contemplated sending a friend to the liquor store to get me something good and strong, something to just knock me out, breathing through my nose or not! And I have great friends here, but I'm not sure any of them know where a liquor store is! (Love you Kristi, Brenda & Carrie!) So that left me rummaging through the bathroom cabinets in search of any form of anti-swelling agents. And VOILA...hemmorrhoid cream! It was left over from my 1st pregnancy. Does twat cream have an expiration date??? Now, before you get all grossed out, honestly, it's just cream that helps with swelling and irritation. It didn't touch my twat. I used it ONCE for that purpose and applied it with toilet paper, so the tube nor the cream inside ever touched the land down under! So it's not like it was "contaminated". I carefully spread it on my face, over the sinus areas and that did nothing but make my skin burn. So I decided to put some on a q-tip and spread it up inside my nose. The swelling didn't go down, but I could taste it running down my throat all night. I drank about a gallon of water and blew my nose constantly, but it was too late.

Although it didn't work, you have to hand it to my creative thinking abilities (especially while being sick!) Or maybe the fever killed a few too many brain cells.

So there you have it...don't try this at home!

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

You have such a gift with words!

"twat cream" Although I have heard that "twat cream" reduces the wrinkles around the eyes...notice "around" the eyes :)

Liquor store - who needs that when you can purchase Nyquil - always works for me - knocks me out - breathing through the nose or not! And such a wonderful, deep sleep it is....

BB :)

tales_from_the_crib said...

hmm...maybes some vick's vaporub insteads? works when i'm all stuffety...
it's a thought...

MargaritaMamma said...

Hey desperate times means desperate measures!!! That is a funny story though!!!

Mel :-) said...

Ohhhh...gotcha! I see your logic! Too funny!! ;-) You gotta do what you gotta do when you feel like crud!!

Kim said...

um, yes I certainly have to hand it to you...
desperate times call for desperate measures...

I have a link on my blog called "Because I said so" I think you would love her. Y'all tell similiar stories.

PS... I thought a twat was something else. "Bottom" is the word you were looking for. Or heiny. Or booty. Or buttocks. Not twat. I was confused for a minute. And terrified for you.

Texas Aggie in Florida said...

Can't do Vicks. Don't know why. Hate it!!! Doesn't work for me, just makes me smell like a grandma!

And twat is, you know, your under extremities. Includes ALL the under under extremity parts and such. Well, I guess we all have our own terminology. I guess I see where you got confused b/c I was talking about pregnancy and such along with it. The pregnancy vitamins caused me to be so constipated, which is why I had hemerrhoid cream in the first place. Or maybe it was from after giving birth constipation, can't remember. One of those issues!

The Phams said...

Imaginative and gross all rolled into to one! I definitely won't try hemorroid cream in my nose! :)

mom2iande said...

uuuhhhhmmmm.....Texas Aggie, try Zicam Extreme congestion relief gel next time. that is gross...my hubby couldn't believe it as we read this post togther.

Katy said...

Thanks for the explanation and the evening humor! My husband and I are both nurses and havne't ever heard this one before! We are fans of Vicks- we LOVE it when we are sick. Under the nose, on the shirt, on the neck! IT's great!!

Anonymous said...

YEA!!!! Vicks gets my vote also. She hates Vicks because I used it on her when she was small and she hated it. Trust me, it works for you and your children. don't deprive them just because you hate it.

You be careful what you put up your nose, that is too close to the brain.

Your MOMA